Chapter 4
Some New Truths For Women To Live By

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

"Phenomenal Woman"
And Still I Rise
Maya Angelou

In the last few decades women have made great progress: roles and options have multiplied, laws have been changed, previously closed doors have opened. Never before have our choices been so unimpeded. As many women as men now go to medical and law schools. It is against the law for businesses to discriminate against women or to sexually harass them. Most importantly, the culture at large has changed in terms of what it expects of women. Literally, we can do anything!

As you may have observed, though, most of these positive changes have taken place in the more physical, structural, "outside" realm of life. What remains almost untouched is what happens in the "inside" realm, in our own beliefs about who we are and what we do with our time. Women from all ages and backgrounds are still prisoners to their own debilitating beliefs, attitudes, and everyday self-sacrificing actions. Like sleepwalking Snow Whites, we're still waiting to be awakened to the possibilities of acting on our own lives. Like hordes of "giving" automatons, we continually abandon our own choices, we ignore our own unique potentials, and we relinquish responsibility for our own health and happiness. These internal barriers must be conquered before women can truly become confident and whole women. Isn't it about time to change?

Personal truth is nothing that we need to beg for from others; nor is it something that we need to prove we deserve. Seeking our own real truths is something only we can do for ourselves.

We Can Change Forever What It Means To Be a Woman

Have you ever considered that we can change forever what it means to be a woman?
We can Stop:

• Feeling worn down and worn out
• Feeling used
• Wasting our energy
• Losing our voices
• Being so critical of ourselves

We can instead Start:

• Feeling full of energy and "alive"
• Selectively deciding how and when we give our time
• Finding things to do and people to be with who are nourishing and supportive
• Having a strong voice
• Being as caring of ourselves as we are of others

Yes, you can, I can, and especially if we help one another, all of us can. In the process, we will emerge as more confident women. The Bible says that the truth will set us free. Obviously, we need some new truths to live by. Here are a few for you to consider.

I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties
through my love for the truth;
and truth rewarded me.

Simone De Beauvoir

New Truth #1
Embrace the Concept of Free Will

What does free will really mean? Basically it's all about having choices.

Having "free will" means that you feel free to have a belief system of your own and to choose and act on any decision without feeling coerced or restrained by outside influences.

Besides having your own personal beliefs and feeling free to act on them, free will also means that what you think, feel, and want are at least as important as what other people think, feel and want, even if you are married to, related to, or best friends with the other people. When you operate under the umbrella of free will, you say without apologies to others and/or to yours

I am as well as I am not
I believe as well as I do not believe
I think as well as I do not think
I am comfortable with as well as I'm not comfortable with
I feel as well as I do not feel
I choose as well as I choose not to
I want as well as I do not want
I prefer as well as I prefer not to
I like as well as I do not like
I need as well as I do not need
I know as well as I do not know
I will as well as I will not
I love as well as I do not love

Under the old system of false truths, women were considered too weak or too inferior to make choices, let alone good choices, even for themselves. Like children, they were told what to believe, think, say and do. Vestiges of the too-weak, too-inferior false truths are in effect today anytime you find yourself saying:

I have to
I should
I need to
I ought to
I've got to
I'll feel guilty if I don't
I'll feel ashamed if I don't
I'll feel badly if I don't
I worry that I'm afraid to
I must
I have to hold back
I don't know
I don't know how to
I can't
I'll wait or postpone, it's not important
I'll do it (even IF I don't want to)
I'll go (even if I don't want to go)
I'll not (even if I want to)
I'm obligated to
I'm selfish if I
I can't defend myself against
I'm not good enough to
I'm not brave enough to
I'm scared to
I'm not competent enough to
I'm too insecure to...
What right do I have to
I can't say no to
I'll let others down if I
How could I
It's not worth a fight over

If you find yourself consistently thinking or using these phrases, let that be a signal that you are not exercising free will. In Part IV of this book, we'll talk more about how you can begin making better choices and changing non-confident ways of thinking, talking and acting. Remember...

It is the ability to choose
which makes us human.

Madeleine L'Engle

Right about now, you might be having some second thoughts about this notion of free will. I can hear some readers saying, "But, Marjorie, how can you possibly say that I have free will when I grew up in a dysfunctional family? I was abused and am still suffering from it." Someone else might say, "You can't apply this to me. No one who has been ill all of her life can possibly think of herself as having real choices." Still others might bring up issues of racial discrimination, economic deprivation, or other extraordinary personal hardships. Someone might even object on the grounds that she is suffering with cancer. To address these very legitimate questions, let us go to our next truth.

New Truth #2
Personal Genetics, Physiology, How One Has Been Parented, Social Prescriptions, and Fate Do Set Limits On People's Lives. Take Personal Responsibility For Your Own Life.

Yes, there are a whole series of things about which you don't have much choice. Even if you can make a myriad of choices about how to take care of your own body, for example, you can't change your biological inheritance. As the great humanistic psychologist, Abraham Maslow said,

What's important
is what you do with what you have been given,
not what you have been given.

While it's generally agreed that free will begins at birth, you certainly had nothing to do with your own creation nor with the selection of your parents. What's more, especially in your early years, you probably had very little choice about where you lived, the people with whom you came into daily contact, or how your parents behaved toward you.

Most parents do the best job they can, but as we all know, this is one role for which society spends almost no time preparing people. So how you were parented was probably one part what your grandparents did, one part expert advice that your parents read or heard about, one part what your parents observed other parents doing, and one part your parents' wishful thinking and hoping for the best--a mixture of generally benign, some positive and some possibly harmful behaviors.

As my husband's son, Jonathon, says with a twinkle in his eye, "Adulthood is the time you spend trying to get over all the mistakes your parents made while you were growing up." While there may be a lot of truth in this, even children who have grown up in abusive homes are not helped by focusing on how awful it was or is. According to professionals who work with these children, a good part of their mending involves getting out of the situation, and then seeing where they have choices and how to get more control over their lives.

Kenneth Pelletier, a highly respected physician at the Stanford Medical School, is convinced that people can transcend their respective upbringings, including pain and adversity, even trauma, by moving from feeling helpless or hopeless to feeling in control. Not only is this shift important in dealing with crises, but he says it's the most powerful indicator of whether you are going to be physically and emotionally healthy.

So what can we learn from these observations? What's really important is not who your parents are, or even what they did to or for you, but what you now do with your life.

We are not permitted to choose the frame of our destiny. But what we put into it is ours.

Dag Hammarskjold

Fate, Fortune, Destiny, Chance, Accident, And Luck

Fate, fortune, destiny, chance, accident, luck--these are all words used to describe what is unforeseen--those things that we are powerless to change and over which we have no choice. Fate is at work in every aspect of our lives. Sometimes we forget that Fate works for, as well as against, us. You've probably heard the saying, "Life is good and then shit happens." While a little crude, this certainly gets to the heart of the matter. I think everyone experiences both blessings and bad luck.

You might be fortunate in the parents you were given, or you might not be. Destiny is the time and place when you find yourself living: now in the United States you can question social prescriptions--but at another time and place you might be punished for doing so. Some of us have had life-changing chance meetings, and all of us have endured disastrous accidental encounters. "Dust unto dust," the ultimate Fate is not knowing when or why we are born, or when, how or why we die. That's a part of being alive.

A part of accepting the reality of life is acknowledging that we live with Fate and its limitations. Before he died in 1970, Abraham Maslow went to the great lengths to encourage people to achieve the most they could. He was particularly interested in how Fate intersects with personal issues of free will, self choice and personal responsibility. He went so far as to say that as difficult as it may seem, those who are paraplegic, or who have cancer, or who are dying still "inhabit a realm in which (they) can accomplish either a great deal or very little...."

Maslow also recounts how two of his good friends, the renowned psychiatrists, Bruno Bettelheim and Viktor Frankl, both survivors of the Holocaust, vigorously affirmed the importance of free will in spite of their concentration camp experiences. Both men allowed that "...even in (such a) camp, one can still do one's job well or badly...be dignified or undignified...can still be all that one is capable of being or less than one is capable of being. (And) at the edge of death, one can still be an active agent or a helpless whining pawn."

Maslow's work has recently been substantiated by numerous contemporary researchers. For example, Dr. Lawrence Kohlberg has reviewed the literature on how traumatic events, especially in childhood, affect people's lives and especially their health. What he concluded is that--with the exception of schizophrenia and sociopathic behavior--the popular belief that our childhood experience determines our later adult behavior is a myth. Kenneth Pelletier has also looked at the research and found that while childhood trauma (including chronic poverty and discrimination and/or having psychotic parents or going through your parents' divorce) can have a dramatic negative effect, such traumas can be transformed into positive forces (in one's life)...." It is heartening that people can do many constructive if they approach their respective traumatic life events with positive strategies, skills, and attitudes.

If it's possible under the most dreadful circumstances to be an active agent, then surely those of us who are lucky enough not to have experienced such things must take up the charge to do so. As Helen Keller said in her book, Optimism,

Although the world is full of suffering,
it is full also of the overcoming of it.

How We Can Begin to Overcome

Now more than ever, women can and must take responsibility for their own lives and stop being other people's pawns. As Harvard University's Herbert Benson says, "It isn't the circumstances of life, but one's attitude toward these circumstances that seals one's fate." It starts with each of us taking action. Among other things, we can:

• Choose to act effectively, rather than shrinking or drifting
• Choose to stand tall, even if we are short
• Choose to act with dignity, rather than going along with the crowd
• Choose (as the popular writer Naomi Wolf says) "to leave the beleaguered foxholes of defensiveness," instead of staying hunkered down and weak
• Learn to grow comfortable with our power, instead of being helpless or victim-like
• Maintain our loving, giving hearts, without foolishly giving them away
• Risk thinking and acting in new ways, rather than giving up or giving in
• Do it ourselves, rather than always depending on others to do it for us

Most importantly, we need to begin thinking about what it means to become all that we are capable of being. And that leads us to the next New Truth.

New Truth #3:
Be Honestly and Fully Your Own Self

Throughout history man has been counseled to "be your self" (Matthew Arnold), "be true to yourself" (Shakespeare), to "know yourself" (Delphic Oracle, Albert Camus), "trust yourself" (Ralph Waldo Emerson) and "become one's own man" (Erik Erikson). One problem: these sage exhortations for self-actualization came forth from men for men, not for women.

Becoming More of Yourself

With the exception of some audacious female writers, until this century women were not trained to think and write about such things as self-actualization. Furthermore, many forces have worked against women developing a true self. They have not been brought up to have self-knowledge, to act on their own behalf, or to develop a sense of their own effectiveness. As the Commonwealth Report on Women said in the late 1990s, "A vast literature suggests that female gender role socialization inhibits action and reinforces helplessness, avoidance and passivity as personal styles. Women's sense that they must (always) be nurturing and caring to others may impede their ability to assert needs for themselves." Everything we have been taught has been around the notion that we should live through, for, or be an adjunct to, other people and their lives.

How do I become my self?

Are you wondering what I am talking about when I use the word self? Here is a definition:

Self (also called psyche, inner voice, soul, mind, spirit) is one's inner world--a set of potentials, interests and capabilities--that makes each of us who we are and who we are not

Stephanie Dowrick, a well-known Australian psychotherapist who has written extensively about the subject of the female self, says that "self is the outcome of the interplay between a person and the world and...when the process works, 'true self' emerges. When it doesn't, the result is a 'less-true' self.'"

What does it mean for a woman to have a true self? It means to be the most authentic person you can be which involves:

• Having self-knowledge, that is, knowing and appreciating who you are--that intrinsic, one-of-a-kind person that only you can be, including your body, mind, and soul.
• Having a sense of what's important (your values and priorities), knowing what you want and what you are doing and why.
• Being attuned to and allowing your own positive, "healthy" thoughts to guide your everyday actions.
• Being attuned to your own feelings, exploring them and using them as information as to what's going on inside you and what's happening in your relationships with other people.
• Honestly acknowledging the consequences of your own thoughts, feelings and actions and taking responsibly for the effects on yourself and others.

I should note here that notions of self are, for the most part, Western. Many non-Western, for example, Asian and African cultures have very different ways of viewing the concept of self for men and, especially women. For example, the Japanese self is much more of a "we-self" than the Western I-self. And many Native American tribes embrace a more communal self. In the more patriarchal societies, especially fundamentalist religious ones, women's inner voices are marginalized, even silenced. There is no "I" at all. But whether it is our own or another culture, whether it is self-imposed or other-imposed, denying one access to truth on a daily basis, especially about one's self, can produce a whole set of adverse emotional and even physical reactions can develop.

Abraham Maslow was one of the first people to argue that in failing to become our real selves we're sidestepping our own biological destinies. By not accepting who we are, he said, especially when we compare ourselves to others or want to be like them, we are evading the task for which we alone were born.

The Good Things That Happen When We Do Become More of Our Own Selves

First of all, you feel ALIVE...you gain a zest for life the likes of which you may never have known. You see, someone who becomes more of herself develops a new source of energy.

Second, people who become their real selves are happier and more naturally loving--and for good reason: remember, when you are filled, you give from overflow, not from duty or deficit. Erich Fromm, the wonderful psychologist who wrote The Art of Loving once said that a person who has no self love cannot feel any real love for others.

Third, people who develop themselves will suddenly feel free. Rather than looking to others for approval and permission, you will be the author of your own actions. Edward Deci, an expert on self- motivation says that a person who acts in accord with herself can embrace whatever she is doing with interest and commitment. People who are self-motivated--as opposed to acceding to outside pressure or control--enjoy a special kind of creativity, thrill and joy in all aspects of their lives. As a result, they manifest many more desirable traits such as affection, friendliness, generosity, kindness and trust.

Finally, a person who becomes more of herself is a causer in life rather than a person being caused. This means that you are much better able to stand up for yourself when you find yourself in situations where someone acts disrespectfully toward you, or is demeaning or insulting. Also you are less likely to be exploited, manipulated or used.

Why Self-Actualization Is Not Narcissistic

Okay, okay, I think I know what you might be thinking. Isn't becoming more of myself just another way of being selfish? Aren't you promoting self-absorption and self-centeredness, everything that I have been taught to hate! My answer is very clear: absolutely not. But if you are thinking this, you are not alone. For some time now social critics such as Allan Bloom and Christopher Lasch have decried the movement toward a "culture of narcissism."

According to motivation expert, Edward Deci, we can't be confused by thinking that pursuing an integrated, authentic self is the same as being narcissistically preoccupied with the self. He says:

....narcissism involves desperately seeking affirmation from others. It entails an outward focus--a concern with what others think--and that focus takes people away from their true self. The narcissistic preoccupation results not from people being aligned with the self but from their having lost contact with it. People adopt narcissistic values in a controlling society because they have not had the type of psychological nourishment they need to develop an integrated and healthy self. Narcissism is not the result of authenticity or self-determination, it is their antithesis.

Don't fall into the misguided notion that self-absorbed, narcissistic behavior develops from knowing yourself, taking care of yourself or making the most of who you are. On the contrary, narcissism develops from NOT doing those things. Selfish behavior often comes from being deprived, feeling threatened, being afraid of somebody or something or experiencing inner (or real) poverty. Healthy behavior thrives on inner riches and quality choices. Developing an honest, real self is a quiet, calm process of self-discovery and acknowledgment. I think Oscar Wilde's take on selfishness is the best I've ever read. He said:

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live;
it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.

While husbands ask their wives all the time to "live as they wish to live," rarely do wives ask the same of their husbands. Think about all the women you know who--when their husbands wanted to retire--sold their beloved homes, left their friends, moved to a condo or boat, left a job they loved, held themselves back and sacrificed their desires because they thought the needed to be and do what their husbands wanted. What physical and emotional price do women pay for living "as he wishes to live?" Women may think that they are doing their husbands a favor, but in reality very often they are doing themselves and the relationship in.

This leads to one final point: being responsible to yourself does not mean that you cannot also be responsible to others, or generous and giving with your time and energy. But these must be conscious choices, not a reckless throwing away of yourself. Moreover, it is totally irresponsible to try to be everything to everybody (something the proverbial Superwoman always does). Except for very young children, you can't be everything to even one other person , nor should you; since that would rob that person of having responsibility for her or his own life. We'll talk more about that later.

Many mental health professionals have come to the conclusion that when you always meet other people's needs and never your own it's like condemning yourself to an emotional death penalty. Psychopathology comes from denying, thwarting or twisting your basic self.

Furthermore, many health professionals are convinced that sickness comes not only when you deny yourself the nutritional food that you need (Remember the old adage, "You are what you eat"), but also when you starve yourself from healthy ways of living.

It's also destructive to allow yourself to be poisoned by a constant barrage of negative influences such as media reports of violence, tragedy and despair, or toxic people or unhealthy environmental influences such as loud noises and pollution, or unpleasant, dreary work. These things not only damage our bodies and our psyches, they also undermine our human spirit.

Each of us needs to be honest enough, courageous enough and healthy enough to develop as many personal capacities as we can. Remember, our own individual self is all that we really have. We must take care not to squash or squander it. As Shakespeare said in Henry V,

Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin
As self-neglecting.

This then leads us to the next truth.

New Truth #4
Be The Healthiest, Happiest Person You Are Capable of Being

In her 1960s book, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden, writer, Hannah Green said, "Health is not simply the absence of disease." Cutting-edge health professionals agree, while at the same time decrying so-called healthy living measures that include endlessly going on the latest diet, fanatically exercising to become the current version of "buff," or obsessing about calories, cholesterol, caffeine, wrinkles, certain body parts or personal inadequacies. For a great many women, working on themselves until they are exhausted or sick or both is the extent to which they take care of themselves. Many health professionals are calling these behaviors unhealthy and often worse than disease itself.

The most enlightened health professionals in our country are now expanding what it means to be a healthy person. They say that health is

• An on-going process of self-discovery in which
• You exercise positive choices
• Integrate your physical, mental, social and spiritual well-being, and
• Live life to its fullest so that you can
• Have a positive influence on the world.

Physicians like Pelletier are also saying that being healthy in this way is not only NOT SELFISH, but a personal and societal responsibility. Now isn't that an enticing thought!

Too Many of Us Have To Be Sick To Take Care Of Ourselves

Most women I know need to be sick before they feel justified in taking care of themselves. We keep waiting for someone else to give us a prescription to rest, or to encourage us to slow down or stop for a while, or to reassure us that it's okay or best of all--fantasy of all fantasies--to make all of the arrangements for us. If we simply do it for ourselves, we are overcome with colossal guilt.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with a colleague not long ago, when we were both flying home to San Diego from the East Coast. As we sat next to each other on the plane chatting, I noticed deep furrows in her brow and asked her if she was okay. Mary said, "Gee, I really appreciate your asking," then told me that for a number of months she had been experiencing excruciating back pain. We talked about the different treatment alternatives she was considering and how in the midst of her pain she was still handling a very heavy workload and major volunteer activities.

About halfway through our conversation, she stopped and said,

You know, Marjorie, the pain I'm feeling is not as bad as how upset I'm feeling at my husband for not being more supportive of me--as they say--'in my time of need.' For God's sake, if he had a bad back, I'd be out there calling physicians, picking him up at work, and making sure that he was eating right. You know, all that comforting stuff. But all John is doing is every once in a while asking me 'How are ya doing.' It's driving me crazy. I'm wondering if he really gives a - - - -!

Since I know something about how differently men and women tend to deal with illness, I told Mary that men tend to deny their pain and expect others to do the same. I also talked about how men are not brought up to provide nurturing to people who are sick, something that women seem to give so easily. After awhile, I asked her what she was doing to take care of herself. She looked at me with a rather puzzled look on her face and said, "What do you mean?"

I said, "Well, just a few minutes ago you went into great detail telling me what you would do for John if he were ill. Have you considered doing any of that for yourself? Just because someone else is not doing good things for you, doesn't mean that you can't do them for yourself."

I'll never forget Mary's response. She looked at me and said, "Wait a minute. Don't say anything else. I'm trying to think about what you're saying. Let me allow this to sink in." She sat there for some time and I could just see the wheels turning as she digested this notion. Shortly after the plane landed and Mary and I went off to our separate homes, I received this e-mail message:

Marjorie, your suggestion that we who are caregivers to everyone else can also be caregivers to ourselves is something that really stuck with me. Must be one of those 'forest for the trees' kinds of things. I have honestly been accepting as a standard that what we don't receive from our significant others, we do without.

Providing some of that good stuff for ourselves is such a simple thought. But it never occurred to me until you said it.

Thank you so much!

Mary

Like Mary, many of us take care of others, particularly when they are not well, without really thinking about it. But we never imagine that we can care for ourselves in the same way. We tend to need permission or support from others--a physician, a spouse or partner, a good friend or perhaps a supervisor or employer. And usually, they need to convince us that we deserve the time and care!

And then there is the final truth which may be the most important one of all.

New Truth #5
You Are More Than Your Physical Body, And Certainly Much, Much More Than the Pounds You Weigh

As she is a woman,
and as she is an American,
she was dieting.

Katharine Whitehorn
"Meeting Mary McCarthy," in The Observer

For too many women, negative perceptions of their appearance and their weight define who and what they are. Period. Even a single perceived negative physical characteristic--big hips or too small breasts or a "jelly belly" or those "damned thighs"--are enough to send a lot of women into a permanent tailspin. I do believe that the most dreaded words in the Queendom of Womanhood are "I have gained a few pounds."

We Are Obsessed With Our Bodies!

As I interviewed women for this book, the majority--like their sisters all over the country--seemed obsessed with food and calories, dress sizes, and what their bodies looked like. At any given moment during the day or night, undoubtedly there are at least a million women are silently thinking to themselves, "I need to lose some weight."

African American women are much more comfortable with their bodies than other women, no matter what their size. Support for this observation comes with research from Wellesley College's Center for Research on Women, which found in a study (of young African American, Chinese American, Puerto Rican and Caucasian women) that African Americans had the most positive self-evaluations. By comparison, Chinese Americans had the least positive self-appraisals and Puerto Ricans and Caucasians had self-judgments somewhere between the two extremes.

When women think badly of themselves, they also tend to say the most disparaging things about their bodies. And it starts very early. When I asked interviewees, "What would you like to change about your life to make it more positive or better?" they talked about their bodies and their appearance. One thirty-something woman blurted out, "Just about everything about my body! I still feel like I'm not tall enough, pretty enough or thin enough." This woman stood about five foot six and weighed no more than 130 pounds. She was far from overweight.

A forty year old remembered her teenage years when she was "tall, fat, flat and too smart." She added that "I'm still tall, fat, flat and too smart thirty years later!" What she wanted to change, though, had to do with her appearance, not her body. Her mother, she said, had been a "Depression kid" who never how to choose clothes for herself or her daughter. "You know, colors, styles, what's in and out, and especially what looks good on me." She added, "I've felt out of it most of my life."

One twenty-something confessed that when she looks in the mirror all she sees are flaws. She described how a day--sometimes a whole week--can be ruined: "I'll look at myself, and see a zit, and then declare myself a disaster. I'll go to work, but hide out in my office, cancel everything on my social calendar, avoid whomever I can until I feel more comfortable with myself."

Some Asian women allowed that they wished that they didn't look so Asian. One Chinese woman described how her mother would pinch her nose, even put a clothespin on it, hoping to make it less flat, more Caucasian, and thus less Asian-looking. Another Asian woman told me how her mother forced her to have plastic surgery on her eyes to make them rounder. The mother told the daughter that if she didn't have this surgery, she would be less desirable in the dating/marriage market.

Thus, it is not surprising that hate is the most common verb women use to express how they feel about their bodies: I hate "my hair," "my breasts," "my floppy arms," "my double chin," "my nose," "my rear end," "my freckles," "my stomach," "my whole damned body!" At least some women have a sense of humor about it. One sprightly seventy-year-old told me, with a chuckle in her voice, that she had "feet the size of battleships."

The women I spoke with also agonized over the ways in which important people in their lives, particularly their mothers and fathers and husbands, had led them to feel uncomfortable about their looks. One thirty-year old said that her mother was forever "critiquing what I wear. I still have to say to her, 'No, I don't want to wear my hair that way' or 'Believe me, I will survive if I don't go outside the house without a scarf in my pocket.'"

A seventy-two year-old revealed that as she was growing up, the most important message she heard was "be pretty. "I remember my father saying, 'A good-looking woman can marry anyone, even the Prince of Wales.' And so I thought maybe that's what I was supposed to do, be pretty. It continues with my mother," this septuagenarian agonized. "Mother is nearly a hundred years old, I'm seventy-two, and she's still commenting on how attractive or unattractive people are...especially me. To this day she will say things like, 'What shall we do with your hair?' or 'You're too fat.' About a year ago, I finally said to her, 'Mother, if you mention my weight one more time I'm going to go home.'" Her mother begrudgingly said, "Okay," but an hour later she was heard muttering, 'I wonder who in our family has such a large behind?'"

The daughter recounted the ensuing scene: "I just went bonkers and yelled, 'Mom, you weren't going to say that anymore!' And she said back to me in an exasperating, exaggerated, sweet, innocent tone, 'Oh, I wasn't talking about you, I was just wondering who in our family had a large behind.' Marjorie, it hurt then, it hurts now, it always hurts...and it's hopeless."

We Are So Much More

While this may be a truthful statement now, isn't it time that we begin developing a new truth by which to see ourselves? As John Foreyt, co-author of Living Without Dieting declares,

Weight is part of one's life.
It is not one's life.

You are more than your physical body, and certainly much more than the pounds you weigh. You are also your...

• intellect
• education and degrees
• work
• emotions
• personality including some marvelous quirks, attitudes and beliefs
• spirit
• lifestyle
• interests, activities, passions, habits, tastes, preferences, daily choices
• memory of past as well as present experiences
• abilities and talents
• capacities
• strengths and weaknesses
• values
• goals
• sexuality
• struggles and triumphs
• personal energy
• sense of humor
• relationships with family, friends, and especially the people you love

The remainder of this book is dedicated to helping you to make the most of all of these incredible parts of you.

Before we leave this chapter, let me say just one more thing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being young or beautiful or thin or fit or nicely clothed or perfectly manicured. There is inherent beauty in every woman. It's healthy to choose wisely what and how to eat. Exercise can enhance the quality of life. It's a blessing to have great hair. It's wonderful to feel comfortable with one's own body. No matter who you are and what you look like, it feels good to look great! And looking great means loving your 4 foot frame, your 180 pounds, your beautiful nose, your lovely breasts, your strong profile, your adorable freckles, your generous tummy that produced children. Because it's you! All of these things CAN be indications of your taking personal responsibility and good care of yourself.

You want to pay enough attention to your physical body and appearance, so that you can forget about yourself. When all is said and done, your body is an awesome, miraculous, vehicle, incredibly designed for doing whatever you're supposed to do with the other parts of your life.

All of a sudden women have the opportunity to change themselves so that they can live up to their own potential and live optimally healthy lives. To do that we must develop some new Truths for ourselves including those that we have just addressed:

• Embrace the concept of free will and personal choice
• Take personal responsibility for your own life
• Be honestly and fully your own self
• Be the healthiest, happiest person You are capable of being
• Accept that your physical body and the pounds you weigh are merely one aspect of your life

After all, as Harvard professor Carol Gilligan has said, "having a life that is not compromised, and follow(ing) our own course rather than one that others expect of us," is what we are meant to do. It's our destiny.

How about taking another few minutes to be good to yourself.

Another Be Good To Yourself Break

• Watch the sun set over the ocean (or lake or behind a mountain).
• Watch a storm at the beach.
• Take a few moments of quiet in a beautiful church.
• Eat a freshly picked Hawaiian papaya.
• Enjoy a plate of steamed, fresh asparagus.
• Watch the very last segment on CBS's Sunday Morning.
• Run downhill with the wind in your face.
• Go to a museum store to find the most exquisite art notecards and postcards.
• Eat some freshly picked blueberries from Vermont.
• Bake a plate of brownies, eat one and take the rest to a friend.
• Rent the video, "Singing' In The Rain".
• Go for a swim in a pool when no one else is there.
• Paint your toenails.
• Hold a baby.
• Buy a new box of Crayons and after sniffing the wonderful aroma for a few minutes, color a picture - in or out of the lines.
• Call a son (or daughter) who is far away from home.
• Pick a home-grown tomato right before dinner.
• Feel the early morning sunshine that spills across the kitchen floor.
• Experience the sweet smell of night-blooming Jasmine that lingers in the evening air.
• Eat outdoors.
• Enjoy the smell of fresh clean sheets that have dried outside on the line.