Chapter 2
Confidence Is Just Around The Corner

...We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"
Actually, who are you NOT to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small
does not serve the World.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure
around you...

....and as we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission
to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Our Deepest Fear
Marianne Williamson

One of the things that I worried about when I first began writing The Confident Woman was whether I--as a white, Danish-American heterosexual woman--could say things that would be meaningful to all women, especially those from backgrounds different from mine--women of color, lesbian women, women from different cultural and religious backgrounds. I asked a variety of people about these concerns. One in particular, Ayofemi Folayan, an African American performance artist from Los Angeles, gave me some discerning advice. Ayofemi said, "It's all about plumbing the depths of your experience, Marjorie, and telling the truth. If you tell the truth--your truth as you know it--then that's universally relevant." As you read through this book, I hope that you will sense that I have tried to make it a truthful one. Together, let's see what truths we can uncover.

Self-Confidence Comes in Two Flavors

Global self-confidence

Self-confidence comes in two flavors: global and specific. Global self-confidence reflects how well you do in the world as a whole. Having a high level of global confidence means that because you truly know yourself--your needs, wants, feelings, capacities (including strengths and weaknesses) and values--you are responsible for your own choices and actions. Consequently, you control and direct your own life, as well as work to preserve a sense of yourself as an individual. Having global self-confidence also means, more often than not, that you're able to resist social pressure or criticism or manipulation (subtle and overt) by others. In other words, when other people and situations challenge you, you're able to think and act effectively, not fall back into obsequious, non-assertive, or even passive-aggressive patterns of behaviors. You don't acquiesce. You can trust yourself "to do the right thing." Finally, having global self-confidence means that while you care deeply about others, you are also faithful to and care for yourself.

Of course, it goes without saying that nobody's perfect about any of the above.

Before moving onto specific self-confidence, let me assure you that having global confidence doesn't mean that you're free of self-doubts. Not even the most confident woman is doubt-free. But, having global self-confidence does mean that when self-doubts appear (as they inevitably do), you're not devastated by them. You deal with them and recover.

Specific self-confidence

Specific self-confidence relates to how well you do in particular situations, contexts or in some personal capacity. Needless to say, there are an infinite variety of specific self-confidence possibilities. To lack confidence in one situation or even a few situations is not necessarily a serious problem. Frankly, it's human.

For example, you may enjoy a fair amount of global self-confidence but lack specific confidence when you get into conflict with your spouse (situation). Or maybe you lack specific self-confidence when you find yourself at a cocktail party and suddenly discover that you don't know a soul there (context). Or perhaps cooking a gourmet dinner for your boss or getting up to speak before a crowd is where you lack specific self-confidence (capacity). There isn't a person alive who doesn't sometimes doubt herself in some specific situation.

Far from being a handicap, self-doubt may actually serve a good purpose. First of all, it provides you with some critical information: you're getting a message from yourself that something is not quite right about a situation, context or capacity that is important to you. This then provides you with the opportunity to figure out what's going on and make a choice about what to do or not do, say or not say. One choice you always have is to decide to do nothing. To paraphrase poet, Natasha Josefowitz:

Everything doesn't have to be acted on;
And some things aren't worth dealing with at all.

Sometimes self-doubt ends up being a gift your mind gives to you because it causes you to hold back from making mistakes. For example, on numerous occasions good friends have asked me to join them in taking aerobic dancing classes. And in spite of my doubts, I have. Let me tell you, while I do enjoy walking and running, I'm a terrible aerobics dancer. Others feel exhilarated and love it; I feel miserable and hate it. Aerobics dancing is clearly a case where I should abide by my self-doubt. And now I do.

On the other hand, sometimes self-doubt gives you a good reason to improve on something, or to learn something new, or to get help when you find yourself lacking. Learning to use a computer comes to mind. In spite of enormous self-doubt and lack of self-confidence about their ability to learn, many middle-aged women today are deciding that they don't want to be left behind in the Internet dust. On their own with only ...For Dummies manuals as their guides, or with the help of their kids, a spouse or a computer tutor, slowly, but surely these women are doing what they thought they'd never be able to do--e-mailing, surfing the Net, doing the household bookkeeping, and writing reports and even books. And they're loving it. As someone once said,

If it is to be,
It's up to me.

Your Confidence Level Affects Everything

Why are your global and specific self-confidence levels so important? Because how much confidence you have affects every aspect of your life including:

• who your friends and mate are and how they treat you
• how healthy you are
• how you perform in school or at work
• what job/career choices you make and what success you experience in those choices
• what kind of parent, spouse, friend, boss, or employee you are
• how you handle money
• how balanced your life is
• how you handle life's inevitable disappointments, difficulties, and crises
• how much you are able to give freely, happily, respectfully to others and receive back the same.

Any woman can raise her confidence level once she realizes that it is in her power to do so.

The trouble is that many women are sure that most or all other women--especially thinner, prettier, younger, smarter (you name it)--have cornered the market on self-confidence and, therefore, enjoy happier, more satisfying lives. "They" (not me) have it and know it. (It must be easy for them.) Women also hunger for confirmation that their own insecurities are shared by others. It's always nice to know that we're not alone.

As I interviewed scores of women across the country (and the world) for this book, even the best educated, most successful, stunningly beautiful women said things like:

I'd like to hear about other women and how they had their confidence threatened as I have, because sometimes I wonder if I'm not too sensitive or too analytical about things. I wonder if I'm making up stuff that sets me off into a tailspin.

Twenty-something learning specialist

What I'd like to see is what mistakes other women have made so that I can say, "Gee, maybe I wasn't so bad after all."

Forty-something attorney

If only there had been somebody there for me when I was a teenager or even 45 to say that other people shared my feelings and thoughts. I don't think I would have spent so much time feeling badly and thinking that I was different from everyone else.

Fifty-something city official

What I want are other women's stories--the good, the bad and the ugly. It's so reassuring to find out 'What, it isn't just me? You mean they wing it too?'

Thirty-something film executive

As these comments demonstrate, it's very human to want to know that what goes on inside your head is not crazy or selfish or completely out in left field. I can't tell you how many women have told me that they feel "different" from others of their sex, as if they're an outsider. They also speak of not feeling as attractive as other women. Think about it. How often have you heard a friend say that she holds back on doing what she wants. Even the most confident women I know are curious about other REALLY confident women. They want to know what they do, why they're confident, and especially what their "secrets and tricks" are for having such confidence.

Every day women are bombarded with extravagant claims about what various people, products, or experiences can do for them; in other words, how they can change themselves to become more like some media-created ideal. Ads and articles proclaim our need for...

• Thinner thighs!
• Fabulous-looking, homemade (and yes, fat free) feasts
• Knock-em-dead clothes
• Sexier anything, especially the latest guy-getting gimmicks
• Think-better, feel-better vitamins and herbs
• Go-for-it hardware, software...Tupperware!
• Time-saving hints
• Power whatever

These exhortations make us feel that we are "less than," and without our realizing it, they eat away at our confidence levels. As a result, many women end up with misplaced expectations about who they should be, how they should look, what they should do with their time, what happiness should feel or look like. The marketed "ideals" even set the model for how and when we should feel good about ourselves. Alas, eventually what we find is that none of the "magic solutions" really change our personalities; improve our looks; revolutionize our sex lives; or bring us lasting peace, balance, success, or the high that each promises. And they often lead to our having less rather than more self-confidence.

It's important to know that no one can give you self-confidence; nor can you give it to someone else. You can't inherit it, or hand it on to your heirs. You can't borrow or steal it, nor can anyone take it from you. Confidence is something that only you can give yourself.

If you want to grow as a person, learn more about yourself, become more effective, like yourself better, feel more centered or "whole," discover new ways of dealing with difficult people or situations, and be of help to other women, then you will benefit from increased self-confidence.

The Confident Woman has been designed for those of you who want to make positive changes in your lives. My task is to provide you with the truth as a whole variety of experts and I see it, in addition to insight, information and practical skills. Your task is to do something with these things. I will encourage you to move ahead, act, do, and be more of who you really are!

But beware, you will find little encouragement from me if you are not motivated to do something for yourself, if you wish things (or other people) would change, if you feel like you are a victim, or if you blame others. In those cases, my words won't help you. While I understand why and how these attitudes, feelings and behaviors occur--believe me, I've engaged in a few of them myself--the bottom line is that blame and excuses don't get us anywhere.

You are a work in progress. Therefore, I'd like to help you add to your life, without fundamentally changing who you are. I'd like to help you develop, enhance, and appreciate yourself as a unique and one-of-a-kind person, not a woman who tries to be like someone else. I want you to be all you can be, not what others want you to be. And all along the way, I want to teach and encourage you to be more tender with yourself.

I can't offer you any quick fixes for major life problems, and my ideas and solutions are not panaceas for all. Everything in this book is mere suggestion for you to experiment with and decide if it works for you. Frankly, sometimes what I propose won't be easy. After all, a lot of what I will be describing involves action and change on your part and, as you know, change is difficult for all of us. But, without hesitation I can state this: each one of us can learn, each of us has the innate need and capacity to grow, and as far as your gaining more confidence goes, it is simply a matter of deciding that this is something you want to do for yourself. Having made that decision, confidence is not just a possibility, but an inevitability. I know, because that's what I have done for myself.

It is never too late
to be what you might
have been.

George Eliot

Self-Confidence Defined

Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines confidence as "a consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances; faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper or effective way." Webster's adds, "Confidence stresses faith in oneself and one's powers without any suggestion of conceit or arrogance." I especially like that last statement.

In examining mountains of research on self-esteem and confidence, as well as some of the new thinking about female, I have come up with a new definition of confidence for women.

Self-confidence is:

• Having a Clear and Distinct Sense of Self
  (that is, knowing who you are, what qualities you have, what your priorities are, and what you like, need, prefer and desire)
• Having the Competence to Deal Effectively with a Broad Array of People and Circumstances
  (that is, knowing how to do things and learn new things, find solutions, and create opportunities, and knowing when and how to get help when you need it.)
• Trusting that You Can, Do, and Will, Take Good Care of Yourself
  (that is, actively caring for yourself physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, financially and spiritually)

My definition supports a woman having and enjoying her own unique self--something that most health experts agree is critical. In addition, it allows that a woman can take care of herself and thrive within the context of having important relationships in her life--something to which the proponents of the new field of female or relational psychology adhere. In other words, a woman doesn't have to lose her me in order to be a we.

Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem Are Not the Same

Many people confuse self-confidence with self-esteem, even using the words interchangeably. They are not the same. Most experts would define self-esteem as:

A set of amorphous feelings about how much we like, value and approve of ourselves.

As you are well aware, for decades now self-esteem has been a major pop culture cure-all for child-rearing, education, and personal development. Pick up almost any issue of a popular women's magazine, and you can find articles about how if you raise your self-esteem, you will lose weight, stop using drugs, age gracefully, find/keep/move ahead in jobs, attract men, be a better friend, make more money, and raise great kids.

Parents and teachers have been given the message that if they have their kids chant things such as "I am special," this alone will help them to get good grades, avoid teen troubles, and become good citizens. Yes, having high self-esteem is a good thing, but what it is and how you get it is a source of much confusion. I'm going to take a couple of minutes to help you understand why focusing on self-esteem is pretty much a waste of time, while working on self-confidence can be highly productive.

At it's core self-esteem is all about feelings. The word feelings, is critical here because authorities on the subject say that feelings are spontaneous, uncensored emotional responses that are elusive. As you well know, because you experience them every day, feelings come and go. You feel happy, you feel depressed, you feel excited, you feel anxious, you feel worried, you feel calm. Sometimes you experience all these feelings at the same time. What's most important to know is that feelings change only as a result of your thinking or doing something differently. By the way, just because feelings are elusive doesn't mean that they aren't important. On the contrary, the well-known author and psychiatrist, Dr. Tom Rusk, likes to say that, "feelings are messages from our soul..." and as such we need to pay very close attention to them. We'll explore this subject further, see how important feelings are and how to use them in Chapter 12.

Experts Say You Can't Do Much About Your Self-Esteem

So where does self-esteem come from? Experts on the subject such as Drs. William Swann and Martin Seligman have found that self-esteem is a by-product emerging from: (1) what took place in our lives growing up in a particular family, community and culture, (2) what we have experienced in life as adults--positive, negative and neutral, and (3) recent thoughts and actions. With this information at hand, it becomes clear that self-esteem is derivative, not a source itself. Therefore, the implication cannot be ignored: self-esteem is something over which one has little or no direct control. And there is growing testimony to this position.

In his book, Self-Traps, psychologist William Swann, declares that in spite of a multi-million dollar self-esteem industry involving thousand of books and just as many programs, research shows that self-esteem is astonishingly resistant to change. It seems that even wonder drugs such as Prozac cannot really elevate it. This may be at least one explanation for why so many people have been ineffective in raising their own and other people's self-esteem.

On a completely different note is the work of psychologist Martin Selignman, past president of the American Psychological Association Martin Seligman. Seligman says that he has "scoured the self-esteem literature...for any evidence that high self-esteem among youngsters causes better grades, more popularity, (or) less teenage pregnancy...." Guess what? He's found none. Seligman's conclusion is that self-esteem is a symptom of how well a person is doing in the world. He likens it to "a meter that reads out the state of the system." Seligman suggests that when children and adults do well in school or work, or do well with people they love, the meter will register high. When they do badly, the meter will register low.

During the latter part of the 1990's, some researchers began to postulate that some kinds of high self-esteem might actually be bad. Brad Bushman of Iowa State University found that inflated self-esteem that comes not from actual achievement or positive behavior, but from teachers' and parents' wanton, unjustified praise, can actually backfire, causing a child to become hostile and aggressive. This is particularly true for children and adults who have narcissistic tendencies. All of this is to say that when we value how people feel about themselves more highly than we value what they are doing in the world, we may be barking up the wrong self-esteem tree.

But You Can Do a Lot About Your Self-Confidence

That is why I have I have decided to focus on confidence and how you do in the world, something over which you have unlimited potential to change and control. You see, unlike self-esteem levels, confidence levels can be changed by what you think and do. This book is all about why you may have engaged in confidence-busting thoughts and actions in the past and how you can engage in confidence-building ones from now on.

I have read that women usually transform themselves or take a new direction only after an awakening. I would like it very much if this book would be a part of your confidence awakening. Confidence is contagious. As soon as you become more confident, your confidence will touch those around you. Wouldn't it be amazing if you could be responsible for creating a highly communicable epidemic of confidence awakenings among women you know and whose lives you touch?

Hold on...confidence is just around the corner.

It's Break time again. How about giving yourself a nice little music break. If you're at home where you have control over a music system or radio, put on what really pleases you. If you haven't thought of gathering your own supply of music, here is a list of very special CDs (and/or tapes) that assorted friends and interviewees have recommended to calm their minds and lift their spirits.

Music Break

John Barry, Out of Africa, (original motion picture score)
Joan Baez, Classics Vol. 8, Gone from Danger, Any Day Now
Andrea Bocelli, Romanza, Sogno
Sarah Brightman, Time to Say Good-bye
Budapest Strings, Bela Benfalvi, Handel's Water Music
Ray Charles, Genius & Soul
Judy Collins, Fires of Eden
Capella antiqua Munchen, Choralschola, Quietude, Gregorian Chant
Celine Dion, Let's Talk about Love
Duets with Louis Armstrong and friends
Bob Dylan, The 30th Anniversary Concert Collection
Ella Fitzgerald and Count Basie, Ella & Basie
Billy Joel, The Complete Hits Collection
Diana Krall, All for You, Love Scenes
Ottmar Liebert, Nouveau Flamenco
Dave Matthews, Before These Crowded Streets
Bette Midler, Bette of Roses
Willie Nelson, Stardust
Itzhak Perlman and James Levine, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Violin Concertos Nos. 3 & 5
Philip Riley and Jayne Elleson, The Blessing Tree
Los Romeros, Academy of St. Martin-in-the Fields, Antonio Vivaldi, Guitar Concertos
Pepe Romero, I Musici Antonio Vivaldi, Guitar Concertos
Diane Schnur, Music Is My Life, Collection
Carly Simon, Letters Never Sent
Paul Simon, Rhythm of the Saints, Graceland
James Taylor, Hourglass
Turtle Island Sting Quartet, By the Fireside
Hildegard von Bingen, 11,000 Virgins, Chants for the Feast of St. Ursula